Grace

It's just so embarrassing...

A friend brings over dinner for our family and hands Owen a gift...  and Owen says he wants her to leave and her food is yucky.   Yeah.  What do you say after that?

Thankfully my friend was gracious.  But it is so so embarrassing.  Why is my sweet Owen acting like this?  He is just so so grumpy these days.  Contrary about everything.  Uber irritable.  (and this is with NO mood-altering medicine.  Thankful to know with certainty this is ALL Owen.) 

It was the same story at the hospital.  We had many visitors that drove 2 hours to see us only to be greeted with a sour look and angry words from Owen initially.

First of all, believe you me... he did not get away with this behavior!  It is completely unacceptable... I don't care how sick you feel or what you've been through.  Being rude and naughty like that is not okay.

Just so you know, he did apologize today and thanked her for coming and for the gift and the food, politely.  But still!!!! GRERRRR.

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We've talked about it a lot with him.  We've tried every method up our parenting sleeves so to speak.  This kid is stubborn.  

Today I was talking with all the kids about how we can't control our circumstances, we can only control how we respond to them.

Kate said she felt badly for Owen (who was mid-whining/crying fit) because of his spina "bithita".  I told her there was no need to feel sorry for him. He was feeling just fine.  It was he who was choosing to make himself miserable.

It was then that I realized I can't control how Owen reacts to all this any more than he can wish the tubes away.   Why can't my kid be his normal joy-filled self?  Why is he being so whiny and mean?  What would possess him to speak to someone the way he spoke to my friend today?!!!  This is not, nor ever has been, acceptable behavior in our family!?

Thought about it a lot today... I think he honestly doesn't like the attention he's getting for all of this, and he doesn't know how to handle it.   This is not an excuse by any means, but made me realize I have some teaching to do in the coming days and have probably fallen short by not addressing it sooner.  (honestly never crossed my mind he would respond this way.)

The key is to not take it personally I suppose.  It is hard not to tie your child's behavior to your ability as a parent.  It's not my goal to have perfect kids.  It's my goal to point their hearts to Christ. and my privilege to watch them grow and love them along the way.

Someone once told me, "Never say: 'MY kid will NEVER do that!!' because that's probably exactly what they'll do at some point."  So true!   You can't control your child's every action. We're all sinners.

 Desperately in need of GRACE!!!  

Lord, give me grace to deal with this child!

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Honestly, physically his recovery is going very well in my opinion.  Still weak, but pain is minimal for the most part.  

It's his attitude that is the most difficult to deal with.

I can gratefully report that God has been supplying patience in abundance around here!!! Even for the other kids—I can't believe how patient they are with Owen!    Seriously.

For me it's almost like the more whiny he gets the more patience I have, the more resolve I feel to stay calm and the more measured I am able to talk with him.  Eric too.  Truly amazing!  

(If you've been around Owen when he's like this the last few weeks you know how truly amazing it is that we have not pulled all our hair out.)  God is good.

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Story

Oh, today he was so mad at me... I wasn't letting any of his antics phase me.... It is so hard.  Tough love is really tough. 

Nonetheless, here's an example of how I just did not let the kid get a rise out of me.  Water off a ducks back was my moto today.  By the end of the day he realized it just wasn't worth the energy—throwing a fit was not getting him what he wanted.

Me, as casually as I can:  "Owen it's time for lunch.  Come to the table and I'll help you in your chair."

Owen, majorly over dramatic and whiny: "I CAN'T make it!  I CAN'T walk.  You HAVE to help me!"  [over and over like a broken record] 

Me, trying to be positive:  "Oh, yes you can.  I know you can." 

[he very well can, I've seen him crawl, walk with his walker and slide down the stairs. The kid can get where he wants to go if he wants to.]

Owen:  "I CAN'T!"

[I'm setting the cups on the table, the other kids are coming]

Me matter of factly:  "Well, lunch is ready now.  You need to come to the table.  I'm not going to help you.  If you don't want to have lunch that's fine by me I guess.  You can sit there and cry all day if you want to.  Doesn't bother me a bit, but I bet you'll be very hungry."

This draws on and on and on.  Pretty much just repeat the above times 7 as we eat lunch.  Yeah.  Pleasant!  Then...

Owen:  "I neeeed HELP! I CAN'T cross the floor!" 

Me, as plainly as I can muster:  "Owen I know you can.  And just so you know, when lunch is over I'll be picking up your lunch and you won't be able to eat it, so you better hurry."

Owen scurries over lickity-split.  Little buggar.

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I realized yesterday I can't MAKE him change his attitude.  I can require him to obey, but it has to be his choice to change his attitude.

It's coming... slowly. By the end of the day he was asking politely for his water bottle or to color at the table. Saying please and thank you.   He's getting there.  I could see him consciously making the good choice.  

Not giving up on him.  We'll make it through this yet!

  

Praying hourly God will change his heart.

Thankful each minute that God has changed mine!

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Not to get too spiritual on you, but this difficult time handling Owen's emotions and behavior has made me think a lot about how patient God is with me.  

I am so slow to learn.  I can be so impatient.  So whiny.  So demanding.  Selfish.  

Yet He does not give me what I deserve. 

What grace!  What mercy!

As much as I want Owen to make good choices tomorrow, I know I need to make them too.  So thankful for your prayers in this area.  patience.  consistency.  freedom from guilt (oh, the mommy guilt!)

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Read this today:  "But you, O Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness."  Psalm 86:15

Great verse (there are many similar throughout the Bible) but actually all of chapter 86 is awesome.  worth looking up. 

seriously.